I seem to have fallen off the wagon lately. I’m deliberately not weighing myself until August to make sure I don’t obsess about weight because, frankly, that’s just a really sad thing to do. My body is healthy whether I’m 64kg or 67kg.  Those three kilos do not mean anything except  a measure of how heavy my body is at a given time. I really want to let go of worrying about that sort of stuff but at the same time I’m afraid my body weight will get out of control. I don’t know why I feel I have to control it apart from the vanity aspect of it. It irks me that I worry about it.

The result of not weighing myself has somehow disrupted my fasting schedule, too. Last week I decided I was just not going to fast. Not at all. I don’t know why I decided that, I can find no reason for it but I decided anyway. No weighing and no fasting but also no reason. A holiday from it? a resetting? I don’t know. I really don’t.

This week, though, I planned to get back into it. I planned to go back to fasting every other day like I used to. I’ve even had days where I’ve just not been hungry at all and yet, then I’ve eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don’t know why. I’ve truly not been hungry and yet thought: “mmmh, some beans on toast would be lovely. Yes, I’ll have some with you” when TSC was making himself some for dinner. Even though I wasn’t hungry, wasn’t tempted by them, could easily have skipped it and yet I had some.

I can’t figure out why I’ve completely stopped even when I know it would be easy. It’s not that foods have tempted me. It’s not that I’ve had to stare down a doughnut or resist a yoghurt, so why am I eating anyway??!

I’m looking to other life-events to give me a clue but I’m not entirely convinced, either.

It is true that I am stressed out with my current course. I got a major piece of work back the other day and my mark was lower than I’d like. It was disheartening (and also galling because I was being marked down because I had pinned my findings onto a chapter in our textbook because I thought we had to link our research to the course materials. Turns out not, I had skewed my research too much and was marked down for it. This was galling because at the time of writing my report I was quietly crapping myself that I hadn’t been linking my research to the course materials very much and so tried to shoehorn the themes of the chapter into my work. That was wrong it turns out and it makes me want to bite into my mousemat with frustration.

But I cannot dwell on that assignment too much (even though it means an end to hope of getting a 1:1 for my degree)  as I have my next assignment to do and I am. Lost. At. Sea. I have not felt this adrift in my study materials since the beginning of the course and I don’t know where to start. I’m studying the material but nothing seems to stick. I am concerned about studying the material and getting the essay finished in time but I hadn’t realised how much until my body starts displaying all the regular symptoms of distress.

  • Cold sore the size of texas?  check
  • anxiety dreams?  –  check
  • nightmares, sometimes loudly vocal ?  – check (thank goodness I don’t sleep alone)
  • night sweats? (not an article of clothing)  – check
  • tearfulness not attributable to PMS?  – check
  • excessive baking* activity? – check
*(biscottes, almond cookies, swedish christmas cookies, raspberry ripple cake, cupcakes, sourdough, rye rolls, cinnamon nutella cake, bagels,)

so maybe it’s the anxiety I have surrounding my assignment, the disappointment of the previous one, the fact that I’m not at work every day anymore (I’m off until September as my contract is for only 44 weeks of the year).

Even today, I woke up without feeling in the slightest bit hungry and yet I had a bowl of muesli for breakfast. I don’t know why but I just thought: don’t fast today. It would have beeneasy to so why did I just decide not to??!

Don’t get me wrong, my non-fasting days have not been uncontrollable binges  of the sort that lead bulimics to purge (I’ve never been there). I don’t find myself shovelling crap in and not being able to stop. My eating days have been just regular meals. A small breakfast, a bit of lunch, a dinner, some fruit and yet that despite not being very hungry AND wanting to fast.

Maybe I’ll fast tomorrow, or go for the remaineder of the day. One bowl of muesli is kinda like a JUDDD style system and it hasn’t made me hungry (weirdly, normally carbs set me off).

*sigh* I don’t know why I can’t seem to want to fast. Maybe today will get me back on track