145 on the scales

I have this really big assignment to do. It’s worth a quarter of my total mark for this course I’m doing. This course happens to be the decider of my degree classification. In short, if I ace this course with a distinction, I get a first class honours degree. If I get a grade 2 or grade 3 pass then it means I get an upper second (2:1). If I get a grade 4 pass, I receive a lower second (2:2). Obviously I want a first, cos that would mean I’m outstanding rather than just ‘pretty good’.

This one assignment is weighted very heavily for the coursework element of this module. I need a distinction on this one if I want my First.  By the end of Thursday I had completed 600 words toward the write up (although most of my time was spent studying toward a level of competency in producing those 600 words and further analysis of my raw data).

The project has to be in the post by Tuesday at the very very latest. So Thursday I worked hard on it and then Friday, still carrying a sense of urgency about this project, I spent doing everything except my assignment. I ate like it was my last day on earth, I spent more than a healthy amount of time on youtube, I read random blogs and even had a nap (cos procrastinating and overeating are just so exhausting).

I then spent the second half of Friday loathing myself for having done 0% of my assignment, despite real doubts it is even physically possible to finish in time. I still continued not doing anything toward my assignment. The self-loathing increased and I eventually went to bed (at about midnight).

Saturday morning I woke up and thought: a new day. Put Friday behind you and today get on with it. Just knuckle down and do it. You’re going to have to do it sooner or later and later isn’t going to be any more fun than sooner so do it now, forget yesterday.

And people, I did. I drew a line under yesterday and managed to complete the biggest section (1600 words) which just needs a little editing now. I still have a further 2 x 800 word sections, a 200 word abstract and a references section and a literature search to do, so I’m by no means over the worst but it’s still a good chunk of the report out of the way.

And then I started to feel low. Very low. And I drifted into the kitchen and started baking (I always bake when I’m procrastinating). I made muesli rolls and rye rolls, then my sister rang to invite me to a barbecue (I declined) and then mum rang to talk me into going to the barbecue for an hour and I went (for 4 hours). I never see my family or make contact with them. I really need to maintain better contact with them. I do love them but I’m very self-contained. So after spending four hours at the barbecue I’m back to loathing myself again.

I wasted so much time this evening. I also ate two of my (mmmh, delicious) bread rolls with butter and spinach (freshly baked, they were irresistible) and then I tried to avoid food at the barbecue but mum noticed I hadn’t eaten anything at all and I think she was worried I was being all anorexic. She gave me a loaded plate of mackerel and salad and I thought: well I’ve had two rolls already so I guess I’m not really fasting today, anyway.

For dessert there was a chocolate fountain with strawberries, pineapple and marshmallows. I had a few of those too, so DEFINITELY not fasting.

and now I feel bad again. I don’t know what to do. I’m putting weight back on again and I’m finding it really hard to fast. Part of that might be that I’m not able to focus on fasting while I have this assignment to do. Maybe I turn to food to stop me losing focus and keep my concentration abilities up. So maybe I should ease up on myself, get this assignment done and then get back into the saddle. I’ve got too much riding on this assignment to risk jeopardising it through fasting. I don’t know. I jut know I’m finding fasting really difficult.

actually…. it’s just dawned  on me: It’s that time in my cycle when the carbo-cravings peak.  I’m pre-menstrual, have a major piece of work to complete and I think I can fast on top of that?!

ok, I’m going to stop fasting completely and pick it up again on Thursday (when this assignment is sent and I can celebrate it being gone and out of my hands). I’ll also not weigh myself until after my first successful fast day again or I’ll just end up hating myself more. I need to prioritise this piece of work.

Eats: muesli w/milk | 2 muesli rolls w/spinach | a grilled mackerel w/salad | chocolate w/ strawberries, cherries, pineapple and marshmallow

Exercse: cycle to sister’s place.