144.6 on the scales. Whoa that’s high.

I don’t know why the sudden leap upwards. It was such a surprise I stepped on the scales three times and each time it still insisted I was 144.6lbs.

Anyway, never mind. I’m going to go up no matter what and I shouldn’t worry about it. I’ll go back down again in time. I’ve had weights leap upwards and then go back down again before, so I shouldn’t freak out.

However, I noticed it still made me feel bad. Seeing I was 144 something made me feel bad and put me in a negative frame of mind, which it shouldn’t. Why does this freak me out so much? It also made me annoyed and I ate two biscuits this morning. My mind was petulantly stamping its feet saying: “damn you – if you’re not going to do what I want, then I’ll do what I want and right now I want that oat biscuit. I’m not going to shrink for not having it, so I’m going to have it and you can’t stop me!”

I’m just so annoyed that I can weigh so much so suddenly and then I’m annoyed that I should be annoyed by it. It’s a just a  number, after all. It’s not like a valuation of me. It’s ridiculous. I guess I was kinda comfortable in the 142-143 range both in actual weight and in average and then I pop out above that one morning. It’s a bit of a shocker. Kinda like being used to a certain salary and then suddenly going very overdrawn and not because you’ve gone on a spending spree. Where did the money go?

I’m going try not to sweat it, though. Frankly I have enough on my plate with my big assignment to finish.

I’m really cheesed off, still. I’m so annoyed it’s making me want to eat. Today I just don’t want to fast. I know I am able to. I’m not hungry, I just don’t feel like fasting.  Dammit.

OK, it’s later in the afternoon and I’m definitely not fasting. I had some homemade sourdough with cheese and now feel pretty stuff (funny how so little food can fill me up these days) and decided not to fret this non-fasting day. It’s only a day.

I was walking into town today to buy some veg from the grocer’s and also decided to treat myself. Strawberries, blueberries and raspberries from within UK are now in the supermarkets and I just LOVE those summer fruits. So I bought some to have for pudding tonight (I’ve managed not to eat any yet, too!)  and as I was walking down the road I thought to myself: how do I feel? do I feel good? and I did. People, I felt terrific. My head held high, my shoulders back, my stride of confidence and I felt a million dollars. It feels so good to be happy about my weight. It feels so good to feel good about myself. It doesn’t matter how good you look, it’s all about how good you feel. You can look gorgeous but if you don’t know it or feel it then that gorgeousness is wasted.

How many women out there hate their bodies and yet, if appraised from an objective viewpoint it’s not nearly as bad as the body’s owner thinks it is. I think that happened to me. I think I came to loathe my own perception of my body and lost touch with the reality. Now (or at least lately) I feel it’s ok to look like me. In fact, I think I’m pretty lucky, all things considered. I have more positives than negatives and now the negatives don’t wipe out the positive. I don’t know whether I’m happier with my bod now because I weigh 7-8lbs less than I did before or whether it’s a mental attitude change and the size I am is irrelevant. I don’t know. I suspect it’s irrelevant. I’m not in different clothes than before, so I’ve not shrunk a huge amount. I haven’t changed shape, either. I’m just more satisfied, somehow. I’m just more ok with things as they are. It’s strange but it’s nice.

Eats: 2 oat biscuits | 3 milk tea | sourdough bread w/emmenthal cheese| 6 amaretti | 1 piece chocolate/mascarpone cake | 1 carrot | glass of milk | some blueberries | 1 strawberry|

Exercise: none – uni work instead

Weather: sunny, windstill, 24C. Lovely