143.2 on the scales.

Why can I not get into the 130s? Why does my body stick around this weight? Is it because this is what I weighed at 16? At puberty, girls’ bodies create new fat cells and this is then set. You can’t unmake them, no matter what you do. As you get fatter or thinner as an adult, it’s the same finite number of cells just getting engorged and bigger or shrink to smaller. Where these fat cells are distributed is what sets your shape and makes you an apple, a pear, an hourglass,  and is why only liposuction (which removes the cells permanently) is the only way to change your shape (and if you gain weight, you’ll gain in elsewhere). Where your body puts the cells explains why you don’t get fat earlobes or fat eyelids, no matter how much weight you gain and explains why any weight gain goes to my thighs rather than to my middle. I simply have more fat cells there.

I wonder whether there is a large block to going below a weight you were at after that particular stage of your life; that pubescent laying down of fat cells became a set point.  My body just seems extraordinarily unwilling to slip below THIS number, which happens to be the number I was when I was about 17. I doubt that’s a coincidence. I do know it is possible (I’ve been 110lbs before when I was in my mid twenties and anorexic) but it seems unusually reluctant, unusally stubborn. I’ve never been able to deliberately and naturally go below 140.

It looks like getting below 140 is going to be even more difficult now. We have a friend staying with us for five days. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to fast then.  Maybe I can try Fast 5 and eat every day but only in the evenings. It’s not ideal:  over time I find I really miss eating breakfast or having a spot of lunch on a sunny day. I also dislike eating a lot in one go. I hate feeling overfed and just can’t stuff myself, so I end up feeling weak the following day for not having eaten enough at dinner. Fast 5 is like Ramadan but with water and it’s not something I can do long term, I already know that. I like eating cool yoghurt with fresh fruit as I look out across the garden bathed in morning light too much. I suppose I can do it for a week.

Or, I could try 24hr fasting (rather than the 36 hour I do now) which means fasting from, say, 7pm one day until 7pm of the next and then eating until 7pm the following day. But that means clock watching. Another thing I wanted to avoid. And what if dinner happens to fall just outside of my eating window? And what if we all go out for lunch?

I could eat very lightly every day but frankly, I can’t stand worrying about calories or the guilt that goes with eating. Adn even if I eat lightly, I reckon I’ll still gain weight.

Im afraid I’ll pile the pounds on again if I loosen my routine and I really really like the fasting. *sigh* I don’t know. I’ll have to try what works and then hopefully get back to normal afterwards. I guess I’ll have to take the hit on the scales. It’s not like it’s permanent but still. I wish I didn’t have to break my routine.

Eats: 3 milk tea

Exercise: commute in with a headwind | 20 push ups | commute home with a tailwind

Weather: bright but NE wind. 20C