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143.2 on the scales. That’s a familiar number but not normally seen after a Food Day. What that means is, I’m losing again, but very very slowly.

The fasting days are getting very routine and I don’t find them all that hard to do. I’m now okay if we are out, I’m fasting and TSC wants an ice cream. I don’t yearn for one myself, I don’t begrudge him having his. If I really want something I can have it, but waiting until tomorrow would be better and, generally, not all that hard.

I still get tempted of course, but having to worry about what I eat only every other day is certainly more manageable than dieting every day. I know I can have whatever I want tomorrow.

Thing is though, I’m ok with how big my body is at the moment. I’m not at my arbitrarily chosen goal weight so this is surprising but I do actually, sincerely, genuinely not mind if I lost no more weight now. I’m very happy with where I’m at. My body shape is another issue but I know being thinner won’t solve that. I can’t diet away my saddlebags.  They are there because my hormones say to store fat there. Unless my hormonal balance changes drastically (like, lots of male sex hormone) those saddlebags are for keeps. Even being rail thin and anorexic, I’d still have saddlebags. Even if I exercised hard on my legs, I’d still have saddlebags. The only thing that would shift them permanently would be surgery. No. Thank. You. My life is not ruined because I have saddlebags.It is my fashion choices that become limited, that’s all. I shouldn’t see those saddlebags as reflecting badly on me. I’m not more imperfect than anyone else, saddlebags or no.

So I don’t mind whether I lose another pound or not. So you might well ask: Why are you still fasting? Well I love how it makes me feel. I never realised how I suffered from bloat until I started fasting every other day and it goes away. Fasting makes my body feel terrific and the hunger I get toward the end of a Fast Day is a small price to pay, I think. Psychologically, the denial of treats can be a bit hard sometimes, but still – I feel fab, so I’m definitely continuing this. In a way, that makes this easier. The pay-off I get is almost instantaneous (feeling light) and does not depend on me sticking to it for a long time (e.g. months – as is necessary if my primary motivator were weightloss).

Imagine, if dieting or over-eating led to consequences the very next day. If you overate one day, you’d be obese by morning and if you underate one day you’d be slim the next morning. Imagine how much easier life would be. Your eating patterns would show instantly and you’d be less inclined to overindulge and also you efforts of one day would show immediate results. Dieting would be a cinch if the effects were so fast.  Instead, what we have is prolonged, sustained (and largely unrewarded) effort, day after day after day leads to very little progress. Similarly, overeating can be hidden for weeks, months. People don’t realise they’re consuming the extra 100 calories per day that mean a significant weight gain over the year. They just discreetly put on a few ounces at a time. It’s a slow process and in way that contributes to the problem.

This is why dieting or any weightloss regime is so damn hard. You have to keep doing something you don’t enjoy even when there seems to be no real benefit. Sure, if you’re very obese and it’s early in the diet change,  the pounds fly off at a fast rate and it’s easier to stay motivated, but eventually a plateau is hit and it all seems so fruitless.  You have to find something else that gives you the boost to keep going. Focusing on the goal might work for some. It doesn’t for me. The goal becomes seemingly unattainable when the weightloss has come to a stop. Why should I feel this deprived if I’m going to be this fat anyway?!?   Another way of keeping on track is to think of the non-weight-related benefits. E.g. feeling healthier. Feeling you have more energy. Feeling mroe virtuous. For some, staying on the diet means avoiding guilt, or being able to feel self-worth for sticking at it, or feeling positive about taking control of health. The good health aspect of the diet is then more important than the weightloss. It becomes the new pay-off until the pounds start shifting again.

I suspect that’s what I’m doing. I have shifted my focus on what DOES give me the positive feedback: my body feeling wonderfully light and not bloated. I get that whether I’m losing weight or not. It is what keeps me going on this and stops me reverting back to eating every day. I’ve realised that eating every day does not agree with me. It’s as simple as knowing that a certain food gives you a headache. It makes avoiding the food much more easy.

Eats: 2 milk tea | 4 rosehip tea

Exercise: fresh air miles ride (9 miles)

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