143.92 average (0.1 loss)

I managed to stay juuuust under the average weight so am in the green on physicsdiet. After a Food Day, that’s a good thing. It means I’m back to losing again, as it’ll no doubt dip even lower into the green after today’s fast.

Re yesterday’s post about splitting fat gain/loss from lean mass gain/loss, today’s summary informs me that I’ve gained 0.18lbs in weight. BUT fortunately that 0.26lbs was lean mass gained and 0.08lbs of fat was lost. Cool, no? I don’t mind that kind of weight gain, hehe.

The other night, lying in bed, I could see TSC’s watch ticking away and so counted my heart beats for one minute using the second hand on his watch. Before I started any kind of cycling, my heartrate was 75-80bpm. After taking up cycling properly it dropped to about 65. I measured it that evening and it had dropped to 52 beats per minute.

52!!! that’s the heartrate of an athlete!

Anyway, some googling revealed that ADF does indeed lower the heartrate and also blood pressure and the article mused whether it meant that ADF contributes to good heart health. I don’t know how it would be able to do that. Lowering the heart rate might just be the body’s way of reducing energy consumption, lowering the metabolism. I’ll measure it at the end of Food and Fast Days to see whether these differ significantly, whether the drop is consistent or only on fast days. It’s an interesting side effect.

I still seem to be carrying this depression around with me. I keep reassuring TSC that it’s not him and he just needs to keep being himself. I suspect it’s the pressure of this big project I have to do somehow, and do well. I really feel like I need to do something to cheer myself up. I just can’t think of anything.

The fast has been made a little bit harder by the fact that I’m home all day ad so it’d be easy to just nibble something (like the fresh rye loaf I made this morning – yet another occasion where I don’t get to have any fresh). It looked pretty tempting and my stomach has been making some alarmingly loud gurgly noises, but I want to stick with this fasting. Almost fasting just isn’t good enough – I don’t get any of the feel-good effects, the bloat returns, I gain weight, I get all pudgey and sluggish. I’ll just have to wait until tomorrow I’m sure I’ll enjoy it then.

While overall I like the way fasting makes me feel (physically) it can be a bit tough (emotionally), all that denial. What I especially hate is the pressure. I carry with me this fear that if I were to eat on a Fast Day, they I’d get uncontrollably fat. I’ve already had a few days where I’ve had food on a Fast day and what happened? I gained weight of course – even when what I had was only a small amount of something.  What that has done is made me terrified of NOT fasting. It makes me feel I can’t not do it or I’d start to pile on pounds and not be able to stop it. I’m starting to NEED this.

This isn’t good. This is the mindset of an anorexic, even if it isn’t the eating pattern of one. In a way, I’m using ADF to faciliate anorexia while still eating enough to stay alive.  What is very weird is that last time I was anorectic, I didn’t do it for weight reasons and did not refuse to eat out of a fear of weight gain. Why do I feel that now?

As much as I’d like to be able to shrug and be ok with being 150 pounds (what I was before I started) I don’t think I can do it. What worries me then is what happens when I reach my 60kg goal weight? Will I be satisfied with that? Will I walk around still carrying this pathological fear of putting it all back on again? Weight is always such a temporary thing that for most people it feels beyond their control – and I do think much of weight IS beyond our control. Being overweight is not a choice for most people, it’s a situation they find themself in. This is why I hate it when fat people are blamed and pilloried for their bodies.

I think a big part of the problem is this lack of control over your body’s appearance, while at the same time being held fully responsible for it. Few people think it’s their fault how tall they are but weight seems to be someone’s fault. How can it be when it follows age patterns, family patterns, geographic patterns, ethnic patterns, socioeconomic class – that bodyweight is not randomly distributed across all sections of the population of this world must mean something else is at work and individual choice (and by extension: responsibility)  is only a tiny fraction of that.

I’m scared at the moment. I am scared that this is a relapse into anorexia but interestingly it’s come in a different guise this time.

The first time around, about 8 years ago, I stopped eating because I at first had little food and little ability buy more. This turned into not wanting to waste food on myself (not deserving to eat) and then discovering how powerful I felt that I could live in such a small amount of food. The main point was: I did not need to eat very much and so food was wasted on me. I did not deserve to eat well. The few times when I ate a pricey food was during the few times my husband ate with me (he was too busy having a really cool life somewhere that he kinda forgot he had a wife).

This time around I sometimes feel that way but I live with someone who enjoys food and has introduced me to the idea that food should always be the best quality you can get hold of. Because we eat together, I can tuck into a high quality meal and not feel guilty – he is eating it with me and so in part I am eating only because he is eating. I still have the idea that food I eat alone mustn’t be too expensive or good, so I obviously have some issues there still, but it’s not a big deal and generally I eat very well.

More worrying is my preoccupation with weight. Last week I relaxed some fast days and saw my weight respond immediately upwards. Even on days where I ate sparsely rather than fasting, I still saw a weight gain and this shocked me. It’s made me cautious about not fasting, as I’m now sure that if I stop, I’m going to pile the pounds back on again. It’s made me afraid. I don’t like to be doing this fasting because I’m afraid not to. I want this to be willing and easy and free. I don’t want to feel paranoid, afraid and pressured. I would like to not focus on weight anymore. I don’t want to be a slave to it but I also do not ever want to go back to 150lbs again. I want to be my current weight or less.

I watched a youtube video of a girl who discussed her anorexia. At 18 she wanted to go from 70kg down to 60kg. This is more or less MY goal too. SO far so good, until she recalled that when she got to 60kg, it still wasn’t enough so she carried on losing. She became quite skeletal at 44kg. I don’t want that to be me. I want to be 60kg and stop there. What if I can’t? How ironic that with control comes another fear of losing control to the very means of control in the first place.

I guess what I’m saying is: I’m scared. I have a hunch I’m relapsing but I also don’t want to stop. I can’t dare to stop. I feel like I’m fighting against my body. I don’t want to diet with salads and low-fat foods. I want to ENJOY food, so ADF allows me to do that on Food Days. I can eat whatever I like.

The next step would be if I get to a Food Day and find I am afraid of over-eating then. If I get to a Food Day and I feel guilty that I’ve eaten something or try to limit what I eat on a Food Day, that’d be it: full scale relapse.

Eats: 1 milk tea | 1 herbal tea | water

Exercise: short cycle into town