143.43 average (small gain)chart

For the first time since I started this, my morning’s weight has dipped above the trend line. I’m not overly concerned with that, though. My very low weight entries due to the little anorexic episode will have brought the trend line down quite sharply. Had I not gone without food for several days, I’d probably be about on the trendline.

Part of the blip is the meal I had on my fast day on Friday. I was in the bath with TSC and my tummy was rumbling loudly. I quite fancied what TSC was going to be having for dinner (mmmh, prawns) but thought – don’t be so anxious about it. Because of the anorexic episode I didn’t want to get TOO precious about my fast days and that I should be able to relax about it from time to time.

So I had a bit of dinner and won’t allow myself to beat myself up about it. I honestly didn’t expect to see a weight gain the next morning (I thought I might just stay the same or lose only a tiny amount) so that was a bit disappointing but hey, it’s not a big deal. I’m still losing weight overall, really.

I took my measurements and I am indeed shrinking. I’ve lost an inch and a half off my hip measurement and half an inch off my already slim waist (I don’t really want that to shrink that any further. I need a biggish waist to balance out my large hips). I now have to wear a belt with my brown trousers (although they were quite generous on me to begin with – I think I must have bought them when I was bloated or something) but no one has said anything to me about being thinner. This is good. It means I’m not looking unwell for it or gaunt or losing it from my face.

Unfortunately, today (for the first time) I actually don’t feel like fasting. I wish I could have a slice of the pumpkin seed loaf we made. Part of that may be that the biggest meal of the day was midday yesterday and only cheese and crackers for dinner, so my big meal was many many hours ago, but I don’t want to eat today because of the weight blip upwards. I want to reverse that and get the trend line pointing downwards again. It’s important to get back into the saddle quickly. That’s a shame because now am fasting because I feel pressured (by my weight) to do so rather than because I like to. Still, I am sure I can get back into the groove of this quickly. I’ll get through today and can feast tomorrow.

Also, on another note, I’ve decided being pear shape is a reason but not an excuse for my very poor upper body strength. I want to be stronger up top and also improve muscle tone in my non-cycling muscles. This year I’ve already been doing half-push ups every morning. I can’t do a single full push up, and not many half ones, either. So I’m building up gradually. I do as many each morning as months in the year so far. All through April I would do four every morning. Now that’s it’s May I do five. I add ‘one for luck’ to push myself if I feel I can manage it. Next month I’ll be doing six push ups and by the end of the year, I’ll hopefully manage twelve. Once I can do twelve half-push ups, I hope to progress to a full push up (maybe – at the moment I can assume the position, lower myself down and that’s it. Failure).

I felt rather nauseous at about 11am this morning. eTSC and I went for a run down to and along the seafront in the afternoon. We haven’t been for a run in at least six months, bcause it aggravates his knee pain, but he suggested we run and I was glad to go along.

It’s been a while so I was expecting to get pretty tired but actually I had plenty of energy. We took it easy, going nice and slowly, as our bones/ligaments/joints need to get stronger before we can really give them a pounding, but the important thing was to get blood pumping around the system and that wonderful post-run feeling.

We ran down to the sea, ran along the promenade and around the boating lake, did a loop around it and then back home via the supermarket. We did a sprint finish and BOY did that feel good. As I switched gear into a full run, I could feel my strong, long legs propelling me forward. It was like being a child again! My chest was taking in pints of oxygen  and my legs  – I could feel the power.

When we stopped, my head was high, my shoulders back, my back straight and I felt loose and supple. No wonder dogs always have such grins on their faces when they have a run around in the park! As long as you have a heart and lung strong enough to facilitate it, a run makes you feel a million dollars.

Later afternoon I made a trifle, as our freezer defrosted and we have frozen fruit to use up. I had enough of everything else to make a second white choc trifle and let me tell you – it is HARD not to lick the spoon and bowls when you’re making trifle and it’s a fast day.  Suffice to say I did not resist. I also tasted the tzatsiki I made for tomorrow so while I may not have had a proper meal today, I’ve certainly had a few nibbles.

But hey, grand scheme of things, no biggie. I shouldn’t let that spoil my enjoyment of my Food Day tomorrow.  If I’m to do this alternate day fasting without slipping into anorexia, I need to be able to relax about food. This is all good practice. If anything, I think my relationship with it has improved. I think about the benefits of food and its strength-giving properties, I feel I deserve my food, unlike before where I thought I would get huge if I ate normally, and felt food was too expensive/good/tasty for me to deserve it.

Ah and that run was splendid. Never before have I had such strong heart and lungs to be able to enjoy running!

as to my body image project, that is still going extraordinarily well. I got changed into my running gear, appraised my appearance and thought: nice shoulders!  nice tummy! (I could see my stomach muscles moving). I saw my pear shaped bee-hind in my running trousers but because I’ve slimmed down a little, they actually fit me again so I looked pearshaped but acceptable in them. I saw that part of the problem in my overall appearance in my running gear was the hem of my t-shirt is at that wrong height – the line draws the eye to my widest point. A little shorter would be better and I felt glad that I was able to blame the clothes for being unflattering rather than berating myself for having a hideous bod. The BIG test comes the day I go jeans shopping but that’ll not be until at least next month.

Eats: 2 milk tea | 1 green tea | lots of spoon-licks from trifle-making

Exercise: short walk to shops | bit of gardening | run 4.6km (2.8miles)