143.46 average – still losing

I can’t believe I’m STILL losing weight. Normally I’d have stalled by now. My body has shown itself to be very reluctant to lose the weight in the past but on this alternate day eating I’m losing 1 to 1.5 lbs per week. That’s the kind of weightloss that I’d expect if I were overweight, not just heavy end of the normal range!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (in the buff) as part of my body image issues. I’ve decided May is my month to learn to love those jiggly thighs and those saddlebags I have.  If I don’t judge other people for their physical flaws, why hate myself for mine? Why should I despise my saddlebags if I don’t berate someone for having a tummy? Where you fat is deposited is a matter of genetics. Being SO lean as to not have fat deposits at ALL is not necessarily desirable, either. I wouldn’t want to be rail thin.

I know from experience that no matter how thin (even rail thin) I get I never lose my saddlebags. Dieting away saddlebags is as impossible as dieting away your breasts (fortunately another fat deposit that is also stubborn to weightloss – lucky me!) Sure, they’ll get bigger or smaller but they’ll always be there.

So my mission is to deal with that.  I’ve been trawling the net looking for ways to improve body image. The positive self-talk I find a bit nauseating so that doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want to force it. I despise false compliments. I never give them to others so I’m not going to start giving false compliments to myself, either. What kind of a fool do I take me for?

However, there are some exercises I do want to try and these seem like the ones for me:

1. stand in front of a mirror in undies or naked and note where you eyes zone in. You’ll know where that is before you do this but it’s good to do it anyway.

2. now look around. Look at the OTHER areas that you’re ok with and so never go off to check out. For me, that’s my feet, my arms, my shoulders, my neck, my face, my chest, my hands. I noted the curve of my waist as it becomes my hips. I looked at my overall shape (rather than just looking at the lower half of me) I noted my nice shoulders and ribcage. The generous breasts and how these and my shoulders do even out the hips a little. Because I always focused in on the lower portion of me, I never noticed this balancing effect.  By cropping it out of my view, I’d cut it out of consideration. I also have a nice neck and jawline. My collarbones are nice. When I stand up straight, I look pretty good, actually.

3. Touch the areas you despise. The site recommended rubbing in body lotion. I did this as I was lathering up in the shower. Do it nicely, with the care you’d show someone you love. For me that means soaping the  the thighs, the hips, the knees, the bottom.  I hate this areas but I began to notice how smooth my skin is. All my boyfriends have commented on my skin being very soft and lovely. Now I was feeling it for myself. I DO have soft skin. It’s a lovely colour, too -it’s dimply of course but hey, so what?  The old me would have thought adjectives like: blubbery, flabby, bulgeing, fat, disgusting, hideous but now I started to think of words like generous, womanly, soft. I realised how this layer of fat I have, as I am a woman, is what makes me soft and nice to cuddle into. The word woman started to sound nice to me. I’m not a girl any more, I am a woman. That word carried a mothering, loving, warm feeling.  Again, I heard the echoes of what boyfriends had told me, about how nice it is to snuggle into me, soft and squidgey. Comforting and wonderful. I realised I do not want to be hard and boney. I should be pleased that I have this curvy body, generous in places that the woman’s body is known for its generosity.

I started to think about the media images we are all exposed to (even though I refuse to buy or read wimmin’s mags). I began think how models, actresses, singers are chosen for how they appear in clothing and on film or in print. We seem them all the time but never meet them. Their role is entirely 2D .  I, on the other hand, am a 3-dimensional person. I must live in my body and interact with the world and with other people. My life is not just to pose and have pictures taken, static and perfect (at least from this angle, with this light). My life is not static, My life is not taken in pictures. I am me and I am made up of more than my appearance. I am my movement, my stance, my speech. I am how I swing my arms, I am my stride, I am the pitch and tone of my voice, I am my laughter.  I am my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions. I am many things and my appearance is only one part of that. And my thighs are only one part of that one part. Why did I think this so important?

Of course, I have to continue with this self-accepting attitude. I can easily let it slip away. I realise I am not just comparing myself to picture perfect models and actresses but also to other people in my real, 3D world but surely for me to strive to have their figure is as ridiculous as to strive to have their face, or their ears or their height.  I have what is mine. They have what is theirs. My job is to love having what I have and to allow them to have what they have.

So May is my month of self-acceptance. I feel I’ve already made progress in just one day.

Eats: 2 milk-tea | water | noodles w/prawns and broccoli

exercise: commute to work and back

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