143.69 average (STILL losing)

I’m now AT my lowest recorded weight and I can definitely tell by my clothes that I’m smaller around my most troublesome area (le derriere).

As I start to shrink, and I do genuinely feel better at this size than I did at the 150lbs stage some months ago, but I also know that when I was anorexic I still felt frustrated at my hideous body. I had the saddlebags on my thighs so they will never never go.

Being underweight and still feeling fat  means my body image is screwed up and I need to address that.

I started googling for advice on how to tackle this mental block. Trying to explain it to TSC, he just does NOT get it. But then men don’t suffer from it nearly as much as women. If anything, men tend to overestimate their physical attraciveness and assume they are nearer to their personal physical ideal than they actually are. Women tend to see themselves as further from the ideal (and that ideal is even more narrowly defined and large unattainable in TOP of that).

So, for this month I have some exercies to do to help me to learn to accept my body as it is and to shut up those nasty voices that bully me into feeling bad about myself.

One is to lavish my body with tender loving care. In the shower I’m to touch all areas, including the hated jiggly bits and soap up with love, to treat my body with the care I’d give a lover’s body. As I go along, take note of what is nice. For example I have very nice skin. It has a nice colour and a soft texture. My thighs, hideous as they are, can also be seen as femininely voluptuous. Generous rather than fat.  Having a layer of fat around my body probably makes me nicer to hold and squeeze close to and cuddle. I should be glad about that.

As well as that, if I do get a nasty comment pop into my head, I’m to acknowledge it but also to counter it. Positive self-affirmations will be more beneficial. I think about what my body can do and how it looks is only part of my life within this body.

I also have to remember that what I have is what I have. Everyone’s body is different and that that is perfectly ok. Just as I can’t expect to have someone else’s face,  I also cannot expect to have a body like theirs. Mine is mine and is uniquely so. They have theirs along with their own flaws.

In the grander scheme of things, I’m pretty lucky. Now that I’m a little bit slimmer I have a nice tummy and waist. I have a nice chest and good shoulders and neck. My face is nice. Everything above the waist I like and would not change. What is below the waist is where my disdain is focused. I have to learn to love all of that area, too.

I was pretty famished by about 2pm so went off to find some food. The sandwich and banana were filling but I still wanted something else, so I bought some chocolate and sweets as a treat. I’ve not had that for ages, so why not?

Strangely I couldn’t finish the 35g bar of chocolate and the five jelly sweets were quite enough! Normally I’d have wolfed down the chocolate and finished the packet of sweets and broken into the next one! what an appetite reset!

tonight I’ll be meeting a friend for dinner, where we’ll discuss our current woes and jubilations. How fortunate that’s fallen on a Food Day.

Eats: 2 milk tea | 375ml water | 2 black tea |  2 bowls of muesli w/ milk | 2 biscuits | char-grilled veggie sandwich | 1 banana | 5 jelly sharks (sweets)| 25g Dark Maya chocolate | potato wedges w/sweet chilli sauce | pitta and houmous w/olives| side salad (all three as shared starters) | belgian waffle w/white chocolate ice cream | 1/2 pint cider

Exercise: commute to work (empty legs feeling), commute home feeling alive