144.4 average – still losing weight

I wasn’t going to tell TSC that I’d not eaten all day, but when he asked outright I couldn’t bring myself to lie. I confessed I’d had three biscuits. And….? he asked. I looked sheepishly at him. What could I say? “And…?!” he asked. I think he thought I was resisting fessing up to eating a giant chocolate bar or something. I don’t think it had dawned on him that I might have not eaten anything but three biscuits in two days.

So I made the pilau rice, made the curry and the naan (TSC baked it though.  I make the dough and he bakes it. Always). Normally I’d be so famished I’d be tasting and re-tasting adn re-re-tasting the food but I was still not wanting to eat. TSC and I talked over what was on our (my) mind and I was still in a state, really.

The food all ready, I dished up but saw I’d given myself only a tiny amount. It looked like less than half what I would normally take. The food on the table obscured his view of my plate so he couldn’t really tell how sparse my portion was. I didn’t want much as I still had no appetite. I was uninterested in the food even though it was a really nice curry.

We talked over our meal and although I’d expected to have seconds (as my first portion was so small) I didn’t want any more. TSC suggested we have some apple pancakes (perhaps my favourite pud) but I wasn’t keen. (alarm bells!)

We went to bed and still I was uneasy. I harboured thoughts of fasting again today to keep the rhythm going but TSC made it clear he was not going to let me fast for a third day in a row. He is right, but part of me wants to continue. bad bad bad.

I had toast this morning with honey so hopefully that’ll kill any ideas of going without again today.  After thinking about things last night to better understand them, I feel so much better. I feel I ‘get it’ now. I had misunderstood.

Stepping on the scales this morning I saw a massive drop in weight. That’s to be expected I guess. It’s unfortunate that my poor eating habits yesterday have resulted in positively reinforcing outcomes. It’s rewarding bad behaviour. 141 lbs is less than I weighed when I got back from India. It’s only 2lbs above my lowest ever non-anorexic weight. If I exclude the 110lbs I once weighed, which I will from now on as that’s not a lowest weight to ever beat (a bit like your birth weight is technically your lowest weight but it’d be daft to use that as any guide for your goal weight, right?) then 140lbs is the weight to beat. In terms of average weight, I’m now 12lbs away from my goal weight.

Eats: 4 milk tea | 1 toast w/honey | 1/2 piece of chocolate cake | 1 pot vanilla yoghurt | 1 peanut butter s/wich | pilau rice |  sag aloo | lamb curry | piece of naan

Exercise: commute to work light winds. commute home, moderate effort

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