144.7 average

I’m unhappy today. Something’s knocked my confidence (I don’t want to talk about it) and it’s given my mood a big push downwards. As a consequence, I’m falling into old habits. I’m talking about my ED.

About ten years ago I was in a bad state. I was thousands of miles from home in an unhappy marriage that was not looking salvageable. I was married to man so utterly indifferent to me that he rarely bothered to say hello when he came home (typically at 2am). I was as if a non-person. Looking back he didn’t mean to be so neglectful but his indifference to me had severe effects on my self-worth . For reasons beyond logic I stopped eating, although it was not about losing weight. I didn’t even have a clue how much I weighed or try to get into smaller sizes. I just stopped eating because I felt proud that I could go without food and I also felt undeserving of food. I had an anorexic eating pattern for about two years (I’m guessing about that.  I have no idea how long I was doing it. Like I say, it wasn’t something I set out to do).

Anyway, I’m doing it again. I was looking forward to my Food Day today but by the evening, after what happened, I was in no mood to eat and still feel no inclination to eat today. And now that I’ve not eaten for about 46 hours I feel quite weak. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt for a long while and I’ve just realised how familiar it is. Alarmingly,  I’m enjoying it. I’m liking that my body feels as uneasy as my mind. I’m liking the feeling of fragility and of weakness. I’m even liking that I feel I could potentially pass out (though I know I won’t. I never once did even after not eating anything for over a week).

The sensible, rational part of me knows damn well I am engaging in a form of self-harm here. I had forgotten how this felt. I had forgotten what it’s like to feel floored with unhappiness and matching the emotional low to a physical one. How correct it is that I should feel so terrible physically when I feel this bad emotionally.

I should just snap out of this. I’m playing with fire. But the longer I go without food, the less inclined I am to eat. Also, the weaker I become the more I can feel sorry for myself, too.  It’s pretty messed up but it’s hard to break.  I’m going to have to have dinner. TSC won’t be letting me skip that, knowing I didn’t eat anything yesterday. He’s no fool, but skipping breakfast and lunch is something he need never know.

I’m being foolish. It’s not that big a deal. I decide to have lunch. I thought I had cracked this pattern. I don’t think I’ve properly dealt with issues back then and so even mild echoes of it today set off old triggers.

I said I’d have lunch but have I? No and I still don’t want to. I’ve had three biscuits since about 7.30 Saturday night (it’s now Monday evening) and that’s not looking to change. Of course back in the old days I wasn’t cycling 12 miles a day. We’ll see how spritely I’ll be tonight. I’m being stupid. I know that.

This has been a real low point for me. 48 hours fasting was never part of the plan. My mood is no better. TSC and I have something we have to talk about and I really don’t know what to say. I’m a bundle of emotions and can’t figure out how I truly feel. I need to hear how he sees it. I really hate that I’m making a big deal of something so stupid. I hate how I’m reacting. I hate how this is making me feel. I hate that I’m not as “everything’s cool with me” as I wish I could be.  I’m being a fool and yet I can’t stop it.

Eats: 3 milk tea | 3 custard creams | small bit of pilau rice | small bit of lamb curry | tiny piece of naan

Exercise: regular commute in (rained), same again home.

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